Not The Only One....

Today, after what seemed to be a rather lengthy hour and a half of Human Nutrition, I went to the library. But this wasn't any old day at the library. Today, I wanted answers.

I walked straight up to the little librarian with bright red lipstick and black framed glasses.

I walked up to her and she had no idea that she was about to help me figure my life out.

"Where are the Nietzsche books? Where is the philosophy section?" I said with little to no hesitation.

"Try the 169 N section." She said.

I ran.

I ran as fast as a person possibly could run with squeaky black leather boots on trying not to make a scene, could run.

And there....

There in the 169 N section I sat.

Plopped my sweet little ass on the ground, just staring at all the books around me.

"World Religion."

"I Can Read You Like a Book. How to Read Body Language."

"God."

"The Purpose Everyone is Searching For."

And all of a sudden I felt the most intense feeling overcome me.

A horrible anxiety took over my entire body and I began to cry.

No one around, not a soul, nothing but thousands of books.

So, I sat there for a while, a little long while.

Thinking.

And then it came to me. If there are all of these books and those books are here for a reason, I am not the only one who has felt like this. (Which is apparent, but if anyone.... you can't really say that nor reason with a young woman who has hormones raging thought her entire body!)

For hundreds, maybe even thousands of years, people have been asking the same question(s) I've been questioning.

So, after I pulled myself together I called the near and dear to me.

He answered, wondered why I was whispering.

"I'm in the library." I said, trying to keep my nose from running down my face.

"Ohhh." He said in a whisper. "I see." (Still whispering.)

And then I proceeded to ask him if he was making fun of me... You know, just to make sure he wasn't because now was not the time nor place to do such a thing.

I know it's normal to wonder. But why do some people wonder more than others? Why, lucky me, am I one of those? Being numb isn't all that bad, I mean I did it for almost a year. (No, no I didn't. That ladies and gentlemen is what we call depression.)  Why can't I always just think of rainbows and sunshine? I know, I know. So I can appreciate the other. But why the other? Why for every positive does there have to be a negative. (I know these answers. It's just better for all of us if I type them out.) For love, you have to have hate? God, that's awful. You're not supposed to hate anyone, but you have to, so you can love? All these things seem ass backwards to me. Whatever.

I'm here.

I get it.

Life goes on.

I'm still rainbows and sunshine,

with an occasional little black cloud.

Damned it.

-Ashley Nichole

Gigamesh - Red Light (Goldroom Remix) by Goldroom

FLAWS by BASTILLE



Presents.

A little something special for your earholes. BE CAREFUL! Some (all but one) of these are slightly aggressive!
(Click the link or play from soundcloud.)

Silver Swan- Secrets
Marina and the Diamonds-Obsessions Ocelot Remix mp3

OooO by Dreams.

Aviccii- ID (HQ Preview)

Joy Division - Shes Lost Control (Young Edits Voices In Her Edit) by Young Edits // Youth

AND last but certainly not least...
YOUTH LAGOON!!! Daydream (Perfect Lines remix)
I like to dance, in long dresses,
-Ashley Nichole

"Fuck."

I hate that word. "Fuck". It's rather disgusting, but right now, in the here and now, that is the only thing that comes to my mind. The rest is blank. Like a plain white piece of paper on a dark wooden desk. There's a girl sitting there,  pencil in hand, but all she can do is stare. Stare out the window to see the seasons change before her eyes. Reds, bright yellows and greens to browns, and then, they're gone. Just like the past. Everything changes all to often. Just like the seasons.

"Fuck."

-Ashley Nichole

Kitchen.

I liiike!

Taken From Country Living, although it doesn't seem very country.

Just give me that HUGE chandelier, damned it!

And that fridge, ahhww!

"WELCOME!"

It's as if all of a sudden, you wake up and you're an adult. 

"WELCOME!" 

Except, there's no one there to greet you.

Your parents don't call as much as they used to, (well, at least mine don't) you're paying bills for things you didn't even know you had to pay bills for and all in all your life seems a lot more complicated. (Yeah, okay I don't pay rent, whatever.) Not to mention the fact you're working at a 9-5 you don't really like and not getting paid as much as you thought you'd be. It's as if your parents dropped you off at daycare and never cared to pick you back up.

I don't really know where that train was going...

I need to eat right. My vitamin intake is lacking.

I don't feel normal. (I wish it were superpowers, but no.)

Benjamin Button in the flesh,

-Ashley Nichole

Seaside.

Click to listen: You Know You Like It.

Min klub først (SVENSKER remix) by SVENSKER
ANNDDDD....
W A S H I N G T O N.
From Australia. My girly calm go-to music.
Washington - High Treason by fromgotowhoa.com

And you wanted to be a princess, huh?

Where are they now?

Who?

Oh, "those" Disney girls?!?

Right here...

The fallen Princesses of Dina Goldstein.

Awesome.

-Ashley Nichole

And then....

"Logical—things don’t last. They tear, rot, rust and ruin. Materialism is a beast that always needs feeding. It’s scary, really. We can live our whole lives hoping for the next thing, getting it, tiring of it and pushing the hope ahead. It’s a nasty accumulation cycle. The lesson is clear: refuse to treasure things that can’t love. Things can entertain you, clothe you and transport you, but they can’t love you."

That little snibit was taken from here, 4 principles to survive adulthood .

Things you knew but sometimes forget.

-Ashley Nichole

Passion.

I think I've found a new passion. (I say I think, because if you know me well enough, you know I change my mind more often than not.) This new passion would be letter writing. I love sending people things in the mail be it cards, postcards, letters, etc. I love this because I know I get excited whenever I get something in the mail, and it's just not another bill. "Woohoo, someones thinking about me!" People like to be thought about, tis true. People like to be thought about in a positive way. Also, I like things to be personable, e-mails, not so much. Going forward, I'll keep writing and creating these cards and letters, because it's fun and also semi-meditation like. I light a bunch of candles around my house, put on my favorite record and just let go.
I'd like your address too, yes, you!
You can e-mail it here: a.n.thomas@live.com
Go though your daily rituals and wallah, a magical little letter will appear in your mailbox. How nice it feels to open a letter, just as long as you don't get a paper-cut!

You've got mail,
-Ashley Nichole

Thoughts.

"And think not you can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course. " -Kahlil Gibran

ADHD.

<3

Again, I should be studying.

(This is way more fun!)

Love,

Ashley Nichole

Ashes, Ashes, We All Fall Down... or do we?

When I use the word "fall", I think of two things. "Fall" as in: I fell over second base in kickball and skinned my knee. Or I think of falling in love. Oh, love. Just me and him.
But what about falling as in the dealings of life? The world is going to keep spinning, like it or not. If we find our lives not to be , humm what's the word? Not up to standard we'll say, in which we pictured, we start to fall out of our lives and into the deep, dark, bottomless pit. A pit of waste. Sometimes, for me, it feels like I'll never see the light again.
And I think, is this it?
I'm in hell aren't I?
Funny joke, God! I always thought you'd have more in store for me.
(And this is where another part of me kicks in and tell me tis my fault for not traveling in the direction of my dreams.)
Why must we have goals, dreams and all those other silly things people love to fabricate?
The majority of people only want to be famous because of the $$$. Is that it? Is that all life is worth? There's more, I know there is.
I will not, can not keep falling.
I can't look at my life as a little black cloud any longer. I don't know why I'm so bothered by this right now. Wait! Yes, why yes I do. It's because I'm 2_ and I'm back in school. For some reason that really bothers me. It's really wearing on me.
Cue little black cloud...
When will my real life start?
You idiot!!!
This is real life and it started 20 something years ago!!!

Shit, that's right!!

Gott'a run,
-Ashley Nichole

My view. Point.

There are some things that really don't make sense to me.

Paying property tax. Why the hell do you need to pay taxes on something you already own?

Another would be school. I get it, they want you to be able to show you can commit, but taking these bullshit classes that have nothing to do with nursing... Ahhh make me want to pull my hair out. I could be spending that money on a flat. 

Oh, you want another? Alright, if you insist.

How about when people have different views/life style/anything than another person. Stop being such a bigot asshole and understand that everyone is entitled to their own opinion. Let people live. Let them live 197 thousand percent of who they really are! (I mean if you really are a bigot asshole than cool, so be it.) I get that some people are born with small brains, thus they have don't have the brain capacity to understand things to the fullest. I also get when people run their mouths because they don't understand something. You don't get it. Okay. Keep it to yourself. Someone wants to contaminate their lives with unhealthy habits and possibly dangerous to their health, let them be. 

The more you show your disapproval, the more people are going to stray away from you. You will constantly be surrounded be fake. Let's just say from experience, that is horribly exhausting. If people are afraid to show who they really are, what are you hiding? The shit you talk on someone else is a reflection of something that lays deep within you. "She's so bossy." or "He's such a flake." Look at your own being. Bet you are somewhat both of those as well.

Point: Cut out the negativity. The people, the thoughts and also the actions.

You will feel so much better. It's as if a weight is lifted from your being. 

Appreciate everything. (Even property tax, "electives that don't make sense" and bigot assholes. And no, I'm not judging. Just saying.)

-Ashley Nichole