So tomorrow I will embark on another year of life.
There are a few things I would like to accomplish, there are things I'd like to embrace. For instance, this whole age thing; I can fight it all I want but it's inevitable. Year after year I will become older and older. (Wrinkles will occur and let's hope I keep the fat cells to a minimum.)
I will be 26 tomorrow. I will still be me, but better. I will be stronger and more adamant. I will try harder to get where I need to be in life, by my standards. I will not let peoples thoughts nor actions affect mine. I will take more time to help other people. I will accomplish my agenda, whatever it may be.
I will embrace this age thing. I will be proud of what I've done and where I've been.
It has made me who I am.
And I wouldn't be anyone else... but me.
So every weekday I get a message from the Universe. I know, a little cheesy, but whatever.
This is the one I got today:
Ashley, what if I told you that your every conflict, disappointment, struggle or challenge, with others or yourself, was merely a manifestation of what's going on within your own thinking... would you go there first to fix, mend, and allay?
Yeah, you might miss the drama.
Just thought I'd share.
E-bay is going up Tuesday night. EXCITED! I have so much stuff to sell its dumb. My office is maxed out! (Which makes me stressed out!)
I have 9 weeks to get a "beach body". What is that? A beach body?!?!
My mind is in 3,478,274,382,780 different projects,
Holiday crunch time...
Peace, Spiked punch and stilettos,
Today, after what seemed to be a rather lengthy hour and a half of Human Nutrition, I went to the library. But this wasn't any old day at the library. Today, I wanted answers.
I walked straight up to the little librarian with bright red lipstick and black framed glasses.
I walked up to her and she had no idea that she was about to help me figure my life out.
"Where are the Nietzsche books? Where is the philosophy section?" I said with little to no hesitation.
"Try the 169 N section." She said.
I ran as fast as a person possibly could run with squeaky black leather boots on trying not to make a scene, could run.
There in the 169 N section I sat.
Plopped my sweet little ass on the ground, just staring at all the books around me.
"I Can Read You Like a Book. How to Read Body Language."
"The Purpose Everyone is Searching For."
And all of a sudden I felt the most intense feeling overcome me.
A horrible anxiety took over my entire body and I began to cry.
No one around, not a soul, nothing but thousands of books.
So, I sat there for a while, a little long while.
And then it came to me. If there are all of these books and those books are here for a reason, I am not the only one who has felt like this. (Which is apparent, but if anyone.... you can't really say that nor reason with a young woman who has hormones raging thought her entire body!)
For hundreds, maybe even thousands of years, people have been asking the same question(s) I've been questioning.
So, after I pulled myself together I called the near and dear to me.
He answered, wondered why I was whispering.
"I'm in the library." I said, trying to keep my nose from running down my face.
"Ohhh." He said in a whisper. "I see." (Still whispering.)
And then I proceeded to ask him if he was making fun of me... You know, just to make sure he wasn't because now was not the time nor place to do such a thing.
I know it's normal to wonder. But why do some people wonder more than others? Why, lucky me, am I one of those? Being numb isn't all that bad, I mean I did it for almost a year. (No, no I didn't. That ladies and gentlemen is what we call depression.) Why can't I always just think of rainbows and sunshine? I know, I know. So I can appreciate the other. But why the other? Why for every positive does there have to be a negative. (I know these answers. It's just better for all of us if I type them out.) For love, you have to have hate? God, that's awful. You're not supposed to hate anyone, but you have to, so you can love? All these things seem ass backwards to me. Whatever.
I hate that word. "Fuck". It's rather disgusting, but right now, in the here and now, that is the only thing that comes to my mind. The rest is blank. Like a plain white piece of paper on a dark wooden desk. There's a girl sitting there, pencil in hand, but all she can do is stare. Stare out the window to see the seasons change before her eyes. Reds, bright yellows and greens to browns, and then, they're gone. Just like the past. Everything changes all to often. Just like the seasons.
It's as if all of a sudden, you wake up and you're an adult.
Except, there's no one there to greet you.
Your parents don't call as much as they used to, (well, at least mine don't) you're paying bills for things you didn't even know you had to pay bills for and all in all your life seems a lot more complicated. (Yeah, okay I don't pay rent, whatever.) Not to mention the fact you're working at a 9-5 you don't really like and not getting paid as much as you thought you'd be. It's as if your parents dropped you off at daycare and never cared to pick you back up.
I don't really know where that train was going...
I need to eat right. My vitamin intake is lacking.
I don't feel normal. (I wish it were superpowers, but no.)
"Logical—things don’t last. They tear, rot, rust and ruin. Materialism is a beast that always needs feeding. It’s scary, really. We can live our whole lives hoping for the next thing, getting it, tiring of it and pushing the hope ahead. It’s a nasty accumulation cycle. The lesson is clear: refuse to treasure things that can’t love. Things can entertain you, clothe you and transport you, but they can’t love you."
I think I've found a new passion. (I say I think, because if you know me well enough, you know I change my mind more often than not.) This new passion would be letter writing. I love sending people things in the mail be it cards, postcards, letters, etc. I love this because I know I get excited whenever I get something in the mail, and it's just not another bill. "Woohoo, someones thinking about me!" People like to be thought about, tis true. People like to be thought about in a positive way. Also, I like things to be personable, e-mails, not so much. Going forward, I'll keep writing and creating these cards and letters, because it's fun and also semi-meditation like. I light a bunch of candles around my house, put on my favorite record and just let go.
I'd like your address too, yes, you!
You can e-mail it here: firstname.lastname@example.org
Go though your daily rituals and wallah, a magical little letter will appear in your mailbox. How nice it feels to open a letter, just as long as you don't get a paper-cut!
When I use the word "fall", I think of two things. "Fall" as in: I fell over second base in kickball and skinned my knee. Or I think of falling in love. Oh, love. Just me and him.
But what about falling as in the dealings of life? The world is going to keep spinning, like it or not. If we find our lives not to be , humm what's the word? Not up to standard we'll say, in which we pictured, we start to fall out of our lives and into the deep, dark, bottomless pit. A pit of waste. Sometimes, for me, it feels like I'll never see the light again.
And I think, is this it?
I'm in hell aren't I?
Funny joke, God! I always thought you'd have more in store for me.
(And this is where another part of me kicks in and tell me tis my fault for not traveling in the direction of my dreams.)
Why must we have goals, dreams and all those other silly things people love to fabricate?
The majority of people only want to be famous because of the $$$. Is that it? Is that all life is worth? There's more, I know there is.
I will not, can not keep falling.
I can't look at my life as a little black cloud any longer. I don't know why I'm so bothered by this right now. Wait! Yes, why yes I do. It's because I'm 2_ and I'm back in school. For some reason that really bothers me. It's really wearing on me.
Cue little black cloud...
When will my real life start?
This is real life and it started 20 something years ago!!!
There are some things that really don't make sense to me.
Paying property tax. Why the hell do you need to pay taxes on something you already own?
Another would be school. I get it, they want you to be able to show you can commit, but taking these bullshit classes that have nothing to do with nursing... Ahhh make me want to pull my hair out. I could be spending that money on a flat.
Oh, you want another? Alright, if you insist.
How about when people have different views/life style/anything than another person. Stop being such a bigot asshole and understand that everyone is entitled to their own opinion. Let people live. Let them live 197 thousand percent of who they really are! (I mean if you really are a bigot asshole than cool, so be it.) I get that some people are born with small brains, thus they have don't have the brain capacity to understand things to the fullest. I also get when people run their mouths because they don't understand something. You don't get it. Okay. Keep it to yourself. Someone wants to contaminate their lives with unhealthy habits and possibly dangerous to their health, let them be.
The more you show your disapproval, the more people are going to stray away from you. You will constantly be surrounded be fake. Let's just say from experience, that is horribly exhausting. If people are afraid to show who they really are, what are you hiding? The shit you talk on someone else is a reflection of something that lays deep within you. "She's so bossy." or "He's such a flake." Look at your own being. Bet you are somewhat both of those as well.
Point: Cut out the negativity. The people, the thoughts and also the actions.
You will feel so much better. It's as if a weight is lifted from your being.
Appreciate everything. (Even property tax, "electives that don't make sense" and bigot assholes. And no, I'm not judging. Just saying.)
Ryan and I had the chance to be subjects for our friend Chris and his great photography skills. Under an old bridge in the West Bottoms, where in fact two bums were living and I was scared for my life, is where these were taken! Thanks again Chris.
To see more of Mr. Pycior's work:
So my thrifting has been booming! I'd like to share a few of my great finds!
First, My Vintage 1950's Ray-Bans.
They were 98 cents and I had a coupon for 50% off.
Grand total: 49 cents.
I found some selling for $300!!!
As we all get older we collect weird things. Mine is home furnishings/kitchen stuff.
Nothing I really need, but everything I want.
SO I found these little babies:
Fabienne Jouvin PuYi trays.
Selling for $185.
I found them for $2 each. BRAND NEW!
Wooohoooo! I love finding great things!
On the other side of life, I started only working part-time as a merchandiser to go back to school. With E-Bay, school, being a visual merchandiser, catering and trying to fit in some CNA time, it's all a bit much. That's just me. Grass doesn't have time to grow under my feet. (Only in my yard and well, it's looking raaaaaather tall.)
Tell me about your great finds! I love hearing about great deals!
So I've started a new hobby of thrifting.
I have my own e-bay store and quite frankly it's doing rather well.
Helping me pay for school. Not such a bad idea on my part.
Along with my store I dogsit. Get my fulfillment of mans best friend for a week or so and get some pretty penny's.
Life's going well.
Ride the waves, be optimistic and what you want your life to be will come to you, but in a less obvious form than what you think.
Look back on your life from 3 years ago. If your not where you want to be, break your circle.
Breaking it as in the habit of your everyday life.
Do something different.
It's scary. I promise the life waiting for you is way. More. Fun.
I'm going to take the time and bitch for the next 3 minutes, yes only 3.
•I hate existential breakdowns.
•I hate it when people don't pay for the things they've won on e-bay AFTER a bidding war with someone who was really going to pay for the damned thing.
•I hate corporate visits. I bust my bum alllll week so you can come in for 10 seconds, nod your head a little and leave without introducing yourself.
•I don't like getting older because my bones/muscles/brain power is nothing, NOTHING like it used to be.
And last but not least I don't like that my name isn't Mary Poppins or that I don't produce the same magical capabilities that she did/does.
Like a cold, hard smack in the face.
That's exactly what it felt like.
Go ahead, read it....
"To fix the world, Ashley, you must first see it as broken.
I'm not so sure I'd go there,
And so I thought to myself. And then I started thinking out loud.
It really bothered me.
Am I a pessimist? Do I dwell on the negative too much?
So in return to these thoughts I am now changing my point of view.
I am not here at forcefully try and change the world. I will though give positive thought and effort to making sure that I am happy and so are the people around me. So wherever I go I will make a difference in someone's life. Be it a compliment or a kind gesture.
I need these.
If you know me at all you know barefoot is the only way to go when it gets warm!
Not want, but need.
Or maybe some a little less inexpensive.
You know what I wish?
I wish I could just put on a damed pair of jeans and a T-shirt and feel normal like the rest of the robots out there.
I wish I could eat fast food all the time and not give a damned about my body.
I wish I could of gone through life being niave.
Well, you know what... I'M MORE THAN THANKFUL!
I will never be "normal". I will never be a "bot".
The other night Ryan and I were running around like ourselves at a get-together. When we got home I told him I was glad we were weird.
His response: "Me too, and we don't even try."
He makes me smile.
Been riding my bike a lot latley, it's fuuuun!
I have quite the vintage cup collection. It just keeps growing and growinggggggg.
I get off work and get to my place of refuge.
I wash clothes with my washing machine that is about to go to rust heaven.
After, I cook some yams with ground cinnamon and sit outside on my back porch with my vitage wire patio furniture I acquired from my neighbors.
All while listening to Groove Armada in the sunshine.
Dreams help make life bearable,
But other than dreams to help make life worth while would be....
They let you know that what you have is amazing.
Like when I awoke from a horrible one this morning.
I sat up in horrid, utter shock. I was so so very sad.
And then I realized it was only in my head. ( unless I'm great at sleep waking.)
So, thank you horrible, no good, very bad dream.
My life is just how I like it.
I had a dream I met Anne Frank.
She told me I could change the world.
She also told me to dream bigger than ever before.
Now I don't know about you but if Anne Frank of all people tells me to do something, by god I'm going to listen.
So tonight as I sit here I'm dreaming big. I'm filling out my damned resume to the fullest existent and my it's looking rather plush.
Dear Anne, ( that's right we're on a first name basis.)
I've taken everything you've said into consideration. You're right, my life is precious and I do need to dream bigger. I need to make sure I know my place.
I am second.
Girl. Honey. Doll. Chica. Mama.
They've got to stop.
I am not a three year old child. Infact I'm a lot older.
They're not cute nor are they very professional.
So please, let's leave the pet names for our pets or for the little neighbor children down the street.
My name is Ashley.
Two syllables. Not one, but two.
I wish I had the worlds largest vacume.
I'm talking huge. Bigger than the mind can fathom.
I'd suck up all the horrible drugs.
I'd suck up the people who were born without any nice bones.
All the suck in the world, would be sucked up.
I'd suck up my neighbor who thinks it's okay to drive through my yard just because they're too lazy to put the car in reverse. Thus making me go out and buy a half dozen bushes and plant them all as soon as I got off work today. (Yeah, I'd say I'm a little irritated.)
There has to be more to life than this.
Today at work, I tucked bra tags for dollars, for hours.
I don't need much, but I need to be fullfilled. Maybe it's the weather.
Maybe it's the sheer fact I know too much for my own good. I know there are far away lands I should be exploring. I know that all I have to do is spend the money to get there.
I know I'm wasting away here. Wasting things I have and posess.
There has to be more... There has to be.
Do I need to belive in something other than myself to get there?
And here comes another existential breakdown.
One of my "not so great" qualities I posess would be my need "to feel".
If I don't feel something, I have no passion. Thus I can't put my heart into it. And I end up doing a shitty job at whatever it may be.
Here is a list of things I'm passionate about:
Exploring my creativity
Making people happy
And with all that I can..... Eh. Who knows. Not me.
I'm being such a negative Nancy right now,