A new day.

I used to think this: Not anymore.

I don't mean to close the door,

but for the record my heart is sore.
You blew through me like bullet holes.
You left me broke down begging for change.
Another western vampire,
different time same place.
Rain much deeper than a river,
Sorrow flow through me; tiny waves of shivers.
Corny movies make me reminisce.
They break me down easy on this generic love ship.

-Parts from Cocorosie.

Millionyoung.

Love it. Love his music. Millionyoung, you are good for my soul.
Soft Denial
That is all.

-Ashley Nichole

Karma.

I bought a kitten, her name is Karma. Today, she was being a bitch. Jumped out of my purse and under the car and it took 20 mins to get her. Maybe she won't travel anymore.

State exam today at 3:30. Can't wait to get. it. over. with!

I need to unpack. I think I'll do that this weekend, my liver needs a break.

-Ashley Nichole

Hate.

First all my friends need to follow Chyleina. Welcome her to the blog world. (And that is not something I hate, I will explode here in about 3.7 seconds.....)

ALRIGHT. I really, honestly hate you. Like I said the first time when we were laying in bed and you told me all that shit that just totally broke me. I don't know why this hit me all of a sudden today, but it did. Maybe because I actually thought about calling you and seeing what was up in your life. God, what the hell was I thinking? What was I thinking when I decided to be with you? Why then, all of a sudden did I think I actually needed you in my life? I didn't. But I had just lost the person who loved me no matter what. My grandma was my everything, and with her gone I felt nothing. I was numb. I lost all sense of direction.

You wondered why I never came out to see you until then. You wondered why I would always "flake out". I didn't want to be with you. I didn't have feelings for you like that. I gave you a chance and I knew I was only going to hurt myself. I knew I didn't love you. I loved the thought of you. I got sucked in and fell so hard for you. And I started to believe you....

I thought that the words that you spoke actually had depth. I actually believed everything you said. What fucking sucks the most is I lost you as a "friend". I lost my music partner, I lost the person that could talk to me about life and know where I was coming from. I lost all the good times we had together because I can only think about how fucking bad it sucks for you to have fucked me over like you did. Didn't you know that what you were doing was going to hurt me? Didn't you know I'm not like her and I would NEVER come back? But I know you didn't care what I thought. You didn't think about how you were going to hurt me. Your so fuuny. For being so smart your such an idiot. You are that selfish. And you will end up being that sad. Not like the waahhh I'm a baby sad, (ha) but sad. You'll see. You know I'm a smart girl. Case and point, you never were  my friend. Just like how you taught yourself to erase feelings, I'm teaching myself to make you vanish.

You want to know what hurts me the most? One day when I was really sad crying on the couch you came over to me and said.... "Even if I turn out to be the biggest asshole, you'll be fine without me." You told me I was smart and that I was one of the coolest girls you knew. You knew what you were doing....

I hate you, more than I've ever hated anyone in my life.

And I don't hate people. I'm a humanist, remember?


-Ashley Nichole

And I jumped...

I could of taken the easy way out and moved in with my parents. I could of taken the easy way out and moved in with a friend, but no. I moved into my house. My poor little house that hasn't had any love in it in 21 years. That's when we moved out 21 years ago. That's when my parents decided it was time for something new. And here I am in the house where my parents brought me home from the hospital. Where they were so in love it was sickning. And here I am, little me. On my own, scared as shit, but I'm doing it. I'm growing. I'm remodeling and wiping away the dust. Oh life. I'm thankful for all of it. I'm actually really spoiled in a weird sort of way. It's how you look at life. It's how you think you want your life to be. I think everyday that I'm really lucky. I'm very blessed. And you should too. Take it all in.

LOVE THIS MIX!   Puts me in the best mood.

My feet are dirty. My mind is clean.
I have a test tomorrow, I should be studying.
Instead I'm making soap.
I need to get cupcakes for class tomorrow as well,
I hate most of those bitches in my class they can go to hell.
I'm oh so tired but I know I won't be able to sleep,
Wish my last boyfriend wasn't such a creep.
I love my life, you should love yours too.
Gott'a go, got lots to do

-Ashley Nichole

No Back Burners For THIS Lady...

For the first time, I have no plans.... Except for school.
For the first time, I care about only me.... and the exception of friends and family.
I'm so free. I don't have any lost dogs chasing me around nor am I wasting my time.
There's no one I want to be with right now, except for him. And I haven't even met him yet and I won't be ready for some time even if he came into my life tonight. There are tons of people I've met, TONS. I place different people in different places. Some are kept close and some are kept even further away.

I went to Barnes & Noble the other night and went semi-crazy. Some awesome books and mags for my enjoyment. My little secret indulgence is this book about Alice in Wonderland and all of the hidden meanings and thoughts behind it all. AUHHHMAZING. And a few more about life and what not.

I have cranked out 70 hours of clinicals this week. I AM SO TIRED. And yet I'm not sleeping and I'm never home. And as weird as it may sound I'm pretty sure that's where I get my energy from.

I'll write more tomorrow. I need to drive 30+ mins to get home. BAhhhhhhhh.

-Ashley Nichole

I can't wait for her new album to dropppppp....

Uffie. You mama are the shizzzzzz.

Cheese and Crackers.

    Last night was amazing! Another unexpected great time. Fashion show for Hemline, hair slicked back in a bun, bright red lips, cat eyes with uber luscious lashes,  best friends front row, yet another photo booth, awesome!
     After the show I met up with my friend Scott Johnson. http://www.scottjohnson2010.com/ He'll appreciate that. Hanging out on the patio of J.P. Wine bar drinking my delicious bellini talking about life. He informs me that some people are going to come meet up. Cool. Up walks Whiteshadow and the guys from Chester French, their KC manager and Shaun. We end up playing "a game" where everyone goes around the table saying nice things about each other. It was amazing. Not only when you meet people they're strangers and for the majority of the time it turns into some competition or something of that nature, it wasn't like that at all. Paul, D.A. and Max are some of the coolest guys I've met. We went to Mosaic and we all danced around. Ended up having one of those life talks with Max. So intelligent. So talented. We waltzed. Hahaha. And you know the coolest thing about this whole experience? I was never once treated like a piece of meat. Not one time. I was Ashley Nichole, they respected me and who I was as a human.


Needless to say my $35.00 cab ride with my idiotic cab driver, was worth it. It was worth not getting home until 6:45 in the am while the sun was rising. I love my life. I really do. I can honestly say I've never been more self fulfilled and happy before in my life. I am a lucky girl. I was blessed with a gift not many people have. I am grateful. This kinetic energy that I hold within myself is... is unreal. I wish I could share it with the world. I can do anything. I can talk to anyone. There is nothing that holds me back but myself. My possibilities are endless. And you know the world may be full of shitty people and it may not be what I expected but I can make my life beautiful. And that's exactly what I'm going to do. All of my set backs did not set me back by any means, they've enriched my life. They've helped shape me to become the person I am. 110% of pure, true, me.

This cheese is stuck to my paper plate and I'm having to scrape it off with my cracker... damn weather.
-Ashley Nichole

And THEN... And no and THEN!

"He's stealing salt skin, telling me I'm winning wars they created just to understand... "the meaning of"."
I keep having these nightmares. So I went back and listened to this song... Hope it helps.



"For all of the times that I lost my head,
When it rolled to the floor and I found it again.
But when it came back,
I didn't even know your name."

I just love this whole album.

-Ashley Nichole

What'cha gonna do when I cross that line, when we run outt'a time?

"OOOOoooopppsss." Great remix by Breakbot of "When We Were Young".

So my life has been NON-stop. Crazy busy.
Started my guitar lessons. Went and saw Miike Snow last Thursday which was one of the best shows I've seen. Great show, great company all in all just an amazing time. School and clinicals. Working on my house, I mean the whole nine yards.

So the Peace Corps paperwork is still in my hands.... but today I found these study tours. They're going to India in November for 11 days and then Vietnam/Cambodia in December for 10 days. How cool would that be if I could spend my 25th birthday in a different country helping out! Awesome.

I love this weather so much. When the sun goes down, I run around and the ground is still warm on my bare feet. My sparkling pink toes dig themselfs in the dirt and I can feel the breeze in my hair. It's the little things that I love the most.

It may be the little things I love the most but damn you Urban Outfitters and your home decore section. I want everything there for my house. Which I've decided is going to be very "me". Lots of colors and artistic pieces. I'm excited. I'm so thankful that Chyleina and Cory came over and helped me the other night. She brought me all sorts of goodies. Light fixtures, brushes, you name it and it was in the care package. Blessed for these amazing people in my life.... And it's people like this that make the world go round.

Also, I'm very thankful for Scott who came in and swooped me up when he did. He really stepped up the other night when I needed him the most. (And he gave me his new mixtape. He is very talented.) We may not be the most compatible people hahaha, but there's one thing we've always, always believed in and that would be each other. He's my friend, I will push him. He knows.

And you know what? My spelling is just down right horrible. Dear English class, I'll be seeing you soon.

Love it all, for everything and everyone is worth loving. (Unless they really dicked you over and then they can just go suck it.)

-Ashley Nichole

Don't forget THIS THURSDAY is the La Femme Fashion show! Get your tickets @ www.shophemline.com! See you there, show starts at 8:00 pm at the Madrid Theatre with Chester French.
Get exxxcited!

Knife, fork and a spoon.

Pretty much sums up the 3 of us. I'd say I'm the spoon. Chy, well she's the knife and Bert is the fork.
Tonight was fun. We dyed eggs and danced around. We went to the lake and "saw the stars", more or less went about 50 mph on the dammmm while Chy was screaming "WARP SPEED!!! WAARRRPPPP SPEEEEDD." And I'm peeing my pants in the backseat choking on my straw from Sonic. And boy am I sleepy right now....

Today as I was painting on the good 'ol house I thought about a lot. I mean that's just what I do when I deem necessary. And I though... Nothing is guaranteed, nothing but death. And for some people that may be just too much to think about. Don't get me wrong I don't want that any time soon, but isn't that just a hard pill to swallow? You don't know what is around the corner. You never know what is going to happen in your life.

Life is such a funny thing.

Oh and this... For the past.. ummm, I don't know; forever I've always been in relationships where I think I can help the person. It could be they need guidance, they need to get away from their ex or they are mentally nuts. Something. Something always draws me into people who I feel need me. And I know I keep saying that I'm going to break this cycle but I honestly mean it. I'm honestly going to be selfish. (Besides my family and my REAL friends.) I need to work on getting my life how I want it. I need to be able to only rely on myself, because I'm the only one going to be there in the end. And you know what? If I end up with myself I couldn't be more happy. I am an amazing person. I need no one to define me because quite frankly I am a hard one to define.

So today I get this phone call from a 646 area code. It was odd. Went something like this....
"Is this Ashley?"
"Yes. Who is this?"
"This is Robert. I think I have the wrong Ashley."
Click......
Um, okay sir. How did you know my name and where the hell did you get my number?
Maybe he's the one that calls from the unknown number everyday..everyday I get a phone call from an unknown number. I know I don't owe the creditors any money so I know It can't be them. And luckily I have super blocker on my phone and can block those things and anyone else on my shit list. Humm.

Tomorrow I'll do more painting on the house. (Maybe Brittaniee will help me?!?!)  Maybe go to First Friday. Maybe not considering Saturday I'll have to spend my whole day downtown running around for this fashion show. (I'm going to eat so many cupcakes and drink so much boba tea while I'm there. Ahhh, I can feel myself getting type 2 diabetes as we speak..... Gross. I'm staying away from sugar!)

Still have yet to return the redbox. Piss Posh.

I'm in love....


With myself.
-Ashley Nichole

An itch I can't scratch...

I think I may have been bitten by a bug. Or that I've caused myself to breakout in a rash because of stress, but none the less I have this itch I'm not supposted to scratch behind my damn left ear. Horrific I tell you just plain horrible.

Tomorrow I have a big test so you know you'd think I'd be studying right? Wrong. Here I am reading "Linda Goodman's LOVE SIGNS" and studying Latin. You know that language that's been dead for a few years now that no one uses and is a complete waste of my time. None the less I'm learning things...not what I need to be soooooo I'll be up for a while tonight. Hopefully, I have a sinus migrain.

Today was a good day. Got some painting done. Laid out in my yard, (causing a near fatal accident with two of my neighbors). Went and saw my grandparents, who, tried giving me this poor helpless cat with no front or back claws. (I declinded. I'll pick up/pick out my own kitten when I get done with the house.) And got fed by my mother who indeed is a bit on the ditzy side. (I think that may just be the Aries in her.)

I need to take back my red box! Damn another day!!!
Ashley Nichole

Ding Ding, we have a weener.

As I was watching The Time Travelers Wife last night (finally), I came to the conclusion.... I came to the conclusion that life is short. I mean I already knew that we are dying as I speak. I mean honestly who came up with this idea? But anyway, life is short and I'm not so I need to make the most of it. Future plans include Australia and becoming an RN and if mr. right comes along he'll have to super prove himself to me. I don't see that happening anytime soon so I'll just worry about myself and getting all my shizz in line.

As I get attacked by Wrigley "the dog" I realize I want a pet. Maybe not a dog for obvious reasons but a cat or a mini-pony. Something.

And you know what? I love Brookside. It's super beautiful and there are tons of amazing runners. A.k.a. the tall, tan, gorgeous guy that Brittaniee and I drooled over today on our walk. Maybe we should start running? Huummm.

www.pitch.com/artopia <-To get your tickets to the show on Saturday. It's going to be a good time and after we're gonna have a  dance parrrtayyyyyy.

Love life and love this weather,
Ashley Nichole

I Know.

I know that right now I am extreamly tired. I couldn't sleep night. I'm again thinking about the Peace Corps. Right now I'm in the pros and cons phase. So that kept me awake. Also these allergies are driving me nuts, but hopefully that means it's really spring and summer is not that far off! 

I have a fashion show this weekend which I'm pretty excited about. Haven't done one of those in a while.

And with being the nerd that I am, I finally got my soap making kit, ha. So now all my friends will be super clean and smell gooooood. And if I really like doing it I may start banging them out and selling them. Who knows, I don't really have a lot of free time right now. Which is awesome and there are no complaints. Life is wonderful. I have the most amazing friends and family a person could ask for. Indeed.

I have a late clinical tonight, eh and then class super early. Oh well, get it done, get it out. of. the. way.

Also this Saturday is the organic farmers market at the Sermon Center. I plan on picking up some goodies and cooking away. Stoked.

-Ashley Nichole

Plan B, and no we're not talking about birth control....

Dear 2010,
   You have been an eye opener. Thank you, thank you for making me stronger and teaching me more about myself than I ever could. Thank you for showing me the people who really matter the most; the people that are really there and who really care. I thank you for I guess, letting me hit rock bottom. Thank you for letting all of this happen now so I can have a better future. Thank you for my independence and my strength to be whatever I choose and make decisions that will better ME.

-Ashley Nichole

    There is only one word to decribe how I feel right now: and that word would be...
Okay, I lied. There's not just one word that can express me right now. All I know is that I, Ashley Nichole am a very strong, independent, determinded woman and anyone or anything in my way of being or getting what I want in the future will crumble. Period. End of story. So please, let's not waste anymore of my time thinking about what could have been or what I even thought about the future. I don't "need" anyone. I don't need a manipulative (excuse my french) piece of shit controlling my life. I am able and purely capable of my own life. Hence why some people are no longer in it...
    It seems that when the marshmellows hit the fan, I have a friend who can clean the blades off and make everything actually better than what it was. To know that I have people who look up to me and see the things in myself that I at the time can't even fathom is, is like a breath of fresh air after suffocating on fables, lies, decepiton. You know, all that good stuff. So, needless to say I am changing my outlook on life. It's easy to look at the bad, the "talked about future" that didn't happen but that's the easy way out and I am not scared of taking chances and looking on the bright side.

    I will get this house finished, I know it won't be tomorrow and I know it's not what I want forever but it will be mine. It will be MY nest. It will be my refuge from the world.

So, bring on the wine nights with my best friends because I'm about to have the time of my life....
And live happily ever after.

-Ashley Nichole

Looking before you leap.

I'm feeling much better today. The sun is out and I feel at-ease. I feel at-ease with myself and the situation at hand. Communication is such a necessity yet it is something that is not done very well nor is it done often enough.
     In the summer when the sun is shining and the hot breeze blasts your face with no remorse you look for a way out. You look for the nearest lake with the biggest cliff. You find the perfect place to jump, yet you don't know what's lurking around under the water in which is calling, better yet screaming your name.  You close your eyes and you jump. Depending on the day you may scream or shout something on the way down. You may feel scared, excited or maybe today is the day you feel nothing at all. You're free.
   As your mid-air you think of nothing but the feeling of  cool water as it hits your face, consuming your whole body. As soon as you hit the water you have been given many choices.
1.) You hit the water so hard it hurts because you didn't position yourself correctly.
2.) You hit the water face first and feel refreshed only to be surprised to wake up in a hospital because you almost broke your neck on a sunken tree.
3.) You hit the water and you're still free and you have no care in the world.

This pretty much, is life. The cliff is where you are in your being. The choice to jump is your decision. The water is your refuge and the sunken tree is chance. You never know exactly how tall your cliff is, how you're going to jump and what in the hell is going to get in your way "of life". So, don't ever be so scared of what is thrown at you. You are here for a reason, a reason unknown. Take in the good, the necessities and rid yourself of the excess, the evil.

Life is good.

-Ashley Nichole
 

Just one of those... days.

So I understand that girls can be moody, and yes, I don't always think that's a feasible excuse for everything. BUT if and when I need a little power boost a.k.a. someone to talk to, someone that can help me rationalize these irrational thoughts that are flowing through my mind, god knows not to even think about asking a guy for help. They don't get it, I understand but COME ON. Dad IS always right.... The only person you can rely on is yourself. That's just a horrible feeling, having no one but yourself. How do I make these irrational thoughts rational? And screw the person who took my spot in the class I needed.

"Learn to walk away from things that are already dead."

I wish grandma were here. She'd understand, she'd talk me though it. I just need to know I'm okay, that I'm going to make it. I just want to reach my highest potential. If that can't be reached what's the point?


-Ashley Nichole

Wright, write, right?!!?

As we grow up we learn the tricks of the trade, well at least I can say I have and that's what I thought for most people. I can admit when I'm wrong, and damn was I wrong.  The brainless antics people try and use amaze me. Some people actually think these elaborate fables are going to help them accomplish some sort of goal that they have. When in all reality, all they have is a fable. A fictitious story in their mind. It's sad, it really is. Reality is your friend. The more you accept it the better off you are.

You could say I'm a little perturbed, in more ways than one.
Try and get in the way of my future and you'll be more sorry than you were before.

Ballet is tonight,  don't know if I'm in the prancing mood. Actually I don't even know if I'm in the mood for anything. God, the wretched time of the month. Or maybe it's the weather, maybe a combo of both?


We leave for New Mexico in 2.5 weeks. Snowboarding road-trip. I'm working out so I can keep up with everyone else, considering this is my first time. Got my jacket, just need my pants! And being the nerdy girl that I am I've been looking up "how to snowboard" on youtube. Useless.

"And I told you to be patent, and I told you to be kind..."
-Ashley Nichole

You know what?

This morning was wonderful. 

Kisses wake me, you never shake me. We wake up "early" and lay in bed. 

I jump around on the bed like I'm 5 again. 

I fall, you laugh.

I love you.

Every bit of you.

-Ashley Nichole

Paper Airplane

High in the sky, but oh so fragile.

Time is nothing but numbers, fate is nothing short of a lie.

Life is what you make it, sometimes "do or die".

If ever your back is up against the wall,

Stick your hand in your pocket & call.

You're all I need, you're all I want.

Paper Airplane, please don't get shot.

DOWN.

Down where the dirt meets the trees, little bigs crawl.

Down where the bugs crawl is where they wait for you, wait for you to fall.

So Paper Airplane stay where you are

There isn't anyone or anything that can touch us

No nothing, not no one, not at all.

My Paper Airplane.